21 Pieces of Timeless Marriage Advice (From 34 Years of Marriage)

My parents have been married for 34 years.

As my dad said in his British South African accent,

“A bloody long time.”

This article is an opportunity for me to shine the light on my parents and draw out some of the deeper wisdom within them.

Since I’ve been back from my 10-month trip to South-East Asia, and through all of the quarantine time, I’ve witnessed the changes in my parents’ relationship first-hand.

I believe that what I have observed could benefit other people’s relationships, whether they’ve been together for 30 years or 3 years.

(I will use what I’ve learned from them in my future relationship. Or -ships.)

My vision was also to have my parents share – in their own words – what they’ve learned over the last 34 years.

Thankfully, they obliged and allowed me to interview them.

This article includes my parents’ wisdom from 34 years of marriage, my observations over the last three years, and the full interview.

But first…

What I Have Always Admired About My Parents

I have always admired how my parents handled their challenges in life.

I noticed how, despite what was happening, they were still able to smile through the more difficult periods. I adopted this as well when tackling my own obstacles in life.

I also admire how they’ve managed to adapt to circumstances and make the most of them – including how they’ve adapted to changes in one another over time.

Romantic relationships are some of the most important in life. This person is literally your partner, and you are always working together to navigate life to the best of your abilities.

Therefore, the quality of one’s relationship can be a significant factor in a person’s life satisfaction.

For some, it is even the primary factor.

My Parents’ Wisdom

When I asked my parents if I could interview them, they both looked at me funny.

But I told them that being married is one of the areas where they have the most experience. I knew they would have words of wisdom to offer.

I also noticed how their relationship has improved over the last three years. To have the capability to change despite decades of habit-forming is an amazing feat.

So I did my best to help their inner wisdom rise to the surface where we can have the opportunity to appreciate it and learn from it.

Enjoy:

Timeless Marriage Advice From 34 Years of Marriage

Whether you are newlyweds or have been married for many decades, here are some of my parents’ best words of wisdom:

1. Be patient. Be tolerant. Be grateful. Keep working on improving.

2. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Be more relaxed, tolerant, and in tune with yourself and your family.

3. Persist. Never give up on efforts to improve. No relationship is perfect. You need to keep working on it.

4. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses in each other and be willing to accept both.

5. Never think of yourself as a victim. You are in control of your own actions.

6. Accept each other’s differences. This leads to a more peaceful relationship.

7. What you believe when you’re youngsters considering getting married and what you believe ten years later could be different. You have to be tolerant and accept that people change and that the two of you will think differently about certain things.

8. Adopt a positive mental attitude (PMA) to prevent life’s challenges from being blown out of proportion.

9. Understand the difference between reacting and responding to your partner. It takes ongoing effort and practice, but it’s well worth it.

10. Acknowledge your faults and shortcomings in the relationship. Make apologies if necessary.

11. Focus on enjoying the life you have.

12. Talk about what your expectations are going forward. What do you like and dislike? Do you want kids, or not?

13. Time passes by so fast, so try to enjoy each other and each day.

14. Automatic responses frequently make mountains out of molehills. Pause and think before you talk. Then respond in proportion to what was said.

15. Don’t give up everything you were interested in after getting married. Carry on your interests and find common interests.

16. It’s a waste of time trying to change someone because you want them to think the same as you. They are their own person.

17. Don’t give up your whole self in the marriage. Continue to enjoy the things in life you always appreciated. You’re not going to have common ground on everything. You’ve got to let go and let that person do what makes them happy.

18. You come to realize over a period of time that you should never depend on someone else for your happiness. You should be accountable for your own happiness.

19. When things in your relationship are good, it makes you happier. It makes your whole being happier. And when you’re happy, it spreads.

20. Laugh at yourself. Laugh with your partner.

21. Have no regrets.

Read Also: 100 Wishing Your Ex Happiness Quotes to Help You Heal & Move Forward Powerfully

How My Parents Improved Their Marriage Over the Last Three Years (My Observations)

When I told my parents how much I saw their relationship improve over the last three years, my mom said, “Was it really that bad?”

The answer is no; it wasn’t really that bad.

But it has improved:

They Are Reacting Less and Responding More

My parents are reacting less to each other and responding more.¹

Instead of going with their immediate knee-jerk reactions, they’re thinking more before they respond to what the other person says or does.

Over 34 years, you are bound to form some habits of reacting to one another. Sometimes these habits are constructive. Other times, they’re more likely to lead to bickering.

Instead of allowing knee-jerk reactions to dominate the conversation, they’re thinking about more likely responses to create a harmonious and joyful conversation.

They’re Taking More Responsibility for Their Own Emotions

My parents aren’t placing most of the responsibility for how they feel on the other person. They’ve taken more ownership over how they feel and their own happiness.

They Empowered Themselves

With a little nudge (many nudges) from me, my parents invested more time and energy into their own empowerment.

This meant more reading and learning. It introduced new ideas that could anchor their continued growth and development as individuals.

And when two people are invested in learning and growing as individuals, the relationship is likely to grow and improve as well.

They’re Laughing Together More

Laughter is part of what brings most people together. It’s a spark that can ignite the relationship.

If you can still laugh together after three decades, I think that’s something special.

Over the last three years, as my parents have consciously worked more on themselves, I’ve noticed them laughing together more (almost daily).

They Wanted the Relationship to Be More Harmonious

It wasn’t just what my parents did. It was the intention behind what they did.

Both of my parents wanted the relationship to be more harmonious. Some of it was a subconscious desire, but a lot of it was conscious.

Although there was some resistance to change, they still wanted the relationship to be more harmonious.

This shared desire contributed to everything that made it more balanced.

That intention was part of the driving force.

They Opened the Lines of Communication

Shortly after returning from Asia, my parents and I started a family mastermind group.

We held regular meetings to discuss empowering topics, books, and our goals.

Essentially, we created a space where we could open the lines of communication.

These meetings helped my parents get in the habit of communicating some of their deeper thoughts and feelings to one another.

Before starting the mastermind group, those thoughts and feelings tended to stay bottled up. And it usually wasn’t harmonious when they did get expressed.

However, because we created a safe space where we could share things, fewer thoughts and feelings stayed bottled up within, and more rose to the surface where we could work through them.

Also, when something new came up, we knew we could discuss it in a more harmonious environment.

They Set a Common Goal to Work Towards

My parents chose something they both wanted and set it as a common goal.

Doing this helped take some of the negative attention off each other and turn it into positive attention towards a worthy goal.

Essentially, they became more of a team – more of the partners in life they are.

Important Discussions Are Less Emotional and More Level-headed

My parents’ more important discussions are less emotional and more level-headed than before.

With more level-headed discussions, they’re in a better state to figure out whatever they need to figure out.

It’s less likely to turn into an argument and more likely to lead to a resolution.

They Started Trusting Each Other More

This came with time and with some improved circumstances.

As certain things improved in their lives, they started trusting each other more. They started supporting each other more in whatever they were doing.

This trust has been a strong contributing factor to the increased harmony I’ve noticed in their relationship.

They Still Argue (But It’s Over More Trivial Stuff)

My parents still argue.

But the arguments are more trivial – like what temperature to set the air conditioner to and why my dad doesn’t like camping anymore – instead of the more serious stuff that could be argued over.

To me, if you’re arguing about stuff that isn’t that big of a deal, it’s a sign of harmony in the relationship.

Enough From Me…Let’s Hear It From Them

This is the part I’m really excited about.

First, I must thank my parents for letting me interview them. It can be uncomfortable to share some of your deeper thoughts and feelings, especially if you aren’t in the mood.

But my parents were accommodating, and I’m happy to share their responses with you.

Here’s the interview:

1. How long have you been married?

Mom: 34 years on April 30th, 2022.

Dad: We’re about to celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary.

2. How would you describe the marriage overall?

Dad: Our marriage has stood the test of time. Over the years, our love for each other has remained constant through both good and bad times.

Mom: Like a roller coaster ride with its highs & lows!

3. Do you feel your relationship has improved over the last three years?

Dad: It’s not easy to make an objective judgment on your relationship, but yes, I think so.

Mom: As I get older, I’m trying not to sweat the small stuff. Therefore, I feel more relaxed, tolerant, and in tune with myself & my family. This helps our relationship. Retirement has also helped over the past 2 years, as I feel freer to do as I please 🙂

4. What do you feel sparked this improvement? What started it?

Dad: Our weekly family mastermind meetings led to a growing awareness of the importance of emotional health and mindset. I started learning and applying some of the tools available to assist in this process.

Mom: All the stuff you mentioned above i.e., since your arrival in June 2019. Dad & I bonded as we grappled with your financial & health issues too.

5. More specifically, how did the relationship get better? What changes did you notice early on and throughout?

Mom: Sharing my thoughts & feelings more calmly. Trying not to interrupt!

Dad: There will always be differences of opinion between us. Accepting that and being more tolerant of those differences led to fewer arguments and a more peaceful relationship. Adopting a positive mental attitude (PMA) also helped to prevent life challenges from being blown out of proportion.

6. Which changes have stayed consistent over the last three years?

Mom: Trying to maintain my PMA; not raising my hopes too high & letting go of negative stuff.

Dad: Maintaining a positive mental attitude towards our relationship and life in general has helped enormously. It’s something that has to be consistent. Understanding the difference between reacting and responding is also very important. It’s one thing to be aware of it, putting it into practice is much more difficult. It takes ongoing effort and practice, but it’s well worth it.

7. What do you attribute to this improved state of the relationship over the long term? What did you do? What did your partner do?

Dad: Persistence. Not ever giving up on efforts to improve. No relationship is perfect. You need to keep working on it.

8. Have you taken ownership over your part in the nature of the relationship? In the harmony of the relationship?

Mom: Yes. I acknowledge my faults, my shortcomings. I’m more aware of when I say the wrong things, and I apologize. It’s just me. It’s who I am.

Dad: Yes, by never thinking of myself as a victim. I’m in control of my own actions, and I hold myself accountable.

9. What old habits are still present in the relationship, even with your improvements?

Mom: Interrupting with negative comments! Not making myself clear about what I want done!

Dad: Some words or actions will still trigger an automatic reaction that I usually regret afterward. I’m still working on catching those triggers and responding with considered thought.

10. How have your expectations of your partner changed? How have your expectations of yourself changed?

Mom: I’m more content with life as it is and hopefully, that spills over to Dad.

11. How has your perspective of your partner changed? How has your perspective of yourself changed?

Mom: I think that I just dismiss some of the bothersome stuff that goes on & try to support Dad’s new efforts/hobbies, etc.

12. Are there any other ways you would like your relationship to grow?

Mom: Not really! I always believed that one needed to be friends first.

Dad: I think we could focus more on enjoying the life we have. Maintaining PMA is so important in this.

13. After 34 years of marriage, what advice would you give others (either married or not)?

Dad: Be patient. Be tolerant. Be grateful. Keep working on improving.

Mom: Talk about what your expectations are going forward. What you like and dislike. Do you want to have kids and how many. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses in each other and be willing to accept both. Talk about finances: present and future. Make sure that you have a WILL too (not just a marriage contract). Be friends :). Time passes by so fast, so try to enjoy each other and each day 🙂

15. What is the difference between reacting and responding to your partner?

Dad: Hardly ever happens (joke). One is automatic without thought. The other is pause, think, and then respond. It’s a trigger. When you react, you subconsciously react to the trigger without thought. The triggered response is not always well-thought-out. Responding means to pause and think before you talk and make a response that is in proportion to what was said. The automatic response is frequently an angry one and a slightly exaggerated reaction. It’s not proportional. The automatic response frequently makes a mountain out of a molehill.

Mom: Dad reacted to me on Sunday. I agree. We tend to always react, and I think it is a natural response for a lot of people. Not always well-thought-out. Therefore, you may have some regrets about what you said. And sometimes you think, “Oh shucks, I shouldn’t have done that.” Because now you’re opening up a can of worms. Dad always feels like I have a hidden agenda with a lot of my reactions, and I don’t. I really don’t. It’s just the way my mind works. Reacting is usually not the response you want to give, and I think that’s valid for anybody.

16. What is your intention behind responding over reacting? What are you hoping to accomplish in terms of the relationship? Why would you want to respond instead of react?

Dad: Because I want to keep the conversation calm and amicable. I want to avoid unnecessary arguments. If we react too much, it can end the conversation. What could have been a pleasant conversation comes to an abrupt halt.

Mom: So we can just have a conversation without unnecessary arguments. If we react too much, we get upset with each other, and Dad gets off his chair and huffs off to his office, and he may apologize in the next couple of days.

17. How would you advise someone who wants to respond more instead of react? What can they do?

Mom: You have to learn how to bite your tongue and let the other one talk. Then, at the end of the conversation, give your feedback. But we haven’t achieved that actually. It’s a work in progress.

Dad: That’s the most difficult part of it. Being aware is one thing. Actually controlling it is another thing. I think, practice silence and don’t reply immediately. Try to train yourself to always pause before you reply. 

18. Talk about learning to accept each other as you’ve grown older and changed as people over time.

Dad: Learning to be more tolerant of your differences, I think, is a very important part of a relationship.

Mom: Some couples have deep conversations about stuff before they commit to marriage. We didn’t.

Dad: But even if you do, those thoughts change as you get older. So what you believe when you’re youngsters considering getting married and what you believe ten years later could be different. That same discussion could be totally different. You have to be tolerant and accept that people change, and the two of you will think differently about stuff. It’s kind of a waste of time trying to change someone because you want them to think the same as you.

Mom: They are their own person.

19. How do you adapt to each other’s differences?

Mom: Through acceptance. You have to accept. You have to accept the leopard isn’t going to change its spots, you know? After accepting, you think through it, and you think, “Oh well, this is how it is, can’t change it.”

20. What does it mean to support each other’s differences?

Dad: Support involves some kind of action. Support involves a bit more encouragement. It’s a bit more active. Acceptance is more passive. You’re saying, “I’m not going to argue it, but I’m not going to talk about it either.” Support is more active.

Mom: Accepting is, “Okay, fine, do it. If that’s what makes you happy, then so be it.” I don’t know if we’re on the supporting side of the differences we accept, but it depends on what it is. Sometimes we are.

21. How important is taking responsibility for your own feelings in the relationship? For your own happiness?

Mom: It’s important. I feel that, when you get married, don’t give up everything you were interested in. Carry on your interests and find common interests. Dad and I had common interests in that we both loved the river. And we used to play squash together, on occasion. And we both enjoyed hiking. We went on lots of hikes with my work friends. We had some common interests and some different ones. When you’re married, don’t give up your whole self. You can’t. You have to continue to enjoy the things in life you always appreciated. You’re not going to have common ground and common interests about everything. Therefore, you’ve got to let go and let that person do what makes them happy – as long as it’s safe, responsible, you know?

Dad: I think it’s something you come to realize over a period of time, that you should never depend on someone else for your happiness. You should be accountable for your own happiness.

22. What do you believe has kept you two together?

Mom: It’s never occurred to me to leave Dad or anything like that. We certainly haven’t drifted apart. Also, we were in our early 30s when we got married. And we weren’t like madly in love, hugging and kissing all the time. We were friends, actually.

Dad: I think maturity played a part. Also, the things we’ve been talking about – acceptance, tolerance, recognizing there always will be differences – but keeping them in proportion.

Mom: They say you should never go to bed mad at each other, and that’s true. You may regret it.

23. When things in your relationship are good, how does that transfer to the other areas of your life? How does it improve your life?

Mom: It makes you happier. It makes your whole being happier. It makes you more tolerant, more willing to do things. And when you’re happy, it spreads.

24. Any other insights for young couples?

Mom: I think a sense of humor is good. Laugh at yourself. Laugh with your partner. The saying also is, “God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform.” It’s like, this is where I’m meant to be. Dad and I still say, “Gee, who would’ve thought we’d land up in Texas, or California, or wherever.” Sometimes you just sit back and think, “Wow.” Other people say how brave we were to leave our families and come over here and not know a soul.

Dad: It was a big step.

Mom: It was a huge step. We haven’t really realized the American dream, but many people haven’t. 

Dad: Also, you can measure the dream in different ways. I like to think that Michael had the opportunity to grow up in America, go to an American college without the crime and politics and stuff you have in South Africa. 

Mom: We came here to give you the opportunity, Mike, actually. We saw what was happening in South Africa, and we decided to get out. If you hadn’t been born, I think we would’ve stuck it out. But we were really worried about bringing up a child there. Anyway, I have no regrets. No regrets of getting married at age 34 and having a child just before my 40th. No regrets. Glad I did it the way I did it.

Dad: Yeah, no. No regrets.

I hope you’re as impressed as I am with that interview.

I thoroughly enjoyed it, and we had lots of laughs.

This article is now something I can treasure for many years.

Before we finish off, I have one more insight to share.

But Wait…There’s More

I feel this article offers another side benefit:

It showcases how we sometimes underestimate what we have to offer.

We sometimes underestimate the value of our life experiences and how these experiences can benefit others.

My parents didn’t feel like they had much wisdom to share. It wasn’t something they really thought about.

But…

Here we are with an article full of wisdom many of us can benefit from.

I believe we all have wisdom within. Earth is a school, and we are constantly learning.

And what can be learned can be taught and shared with others.

If you do feel the inspiration to share what you have within, there is no more important time than now to express it.

This expression can come in many forms.

It can come in writing, videos, and social media posts.

It can come in choosing to speak your truth in a conversation with your friends instead of keeping your mouth shut in fear of disapproval.

It could mean writing down what you’ve learned in life and giving it to your kids as a gift.

It could mean many things.

If you feel inspired to share, my message to you, as someone who has dealt with many of my own paradigms when it comes to sharing my thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, is this:

You never know the positive ripple effect even a single conversation can have upon the world.

Thank you for reading my parents’ words of wisdom.

If you feel inspired to share your thoughts or you have some wisdom you’d like to impart, feel free to leave a comment below or send me an email.

1. The Difference Between Reacting and Responding – Bob Proctor